Flirting whew!!!!

Flirting was described as being "casual conversation with a romantic spark," and the consensus seemed to be that it is a learnable skill.

Some tips which various people offered were:

· Ask specific, open-ended questions of the person you're flirting with; these demonstrate that you're interested specifically in THEM as a person, and also provide an opportunity for the discussion to take a romantic turn.

· Look for humor in what the person you're flirting with is saying, and let yourself laugh at his or her jokes if you find them funny.

· Try to look your best, and use good posture and eye contact.

· Don't follow people around or act needy.

· Don't be insincere.

The topic of rejection came up. The key thing to understand about rejection seemed to be that "everybody gets rejected once in a while." One idea was that if you never risk rejection it's likely your social life will end up being very dull. It was also mentioned that the range of tastes in body type and personality type is enormous; something that you think is a liability is for some people almost certainly a turn-on.

The question came up of how to tell if someone is interested in you. The following were mentioned as clues, especially when observed together:

· If he or she is acting more flirtatious toward you than toward other people at the same event.

· If his or her friends are paying attention to you when he or she isn't around (often a clue that this person talked to his or her friends about you).

· If he or she is smiling while listening to you, and seems to be listening especially "actively."

There's a lot of crossover between good listening skills and good flirting skills, but there are also clear differences. For example, if you're in a job interview you're obviously going to be listening "actively," but nobody is going to confuse this with flirting. It's the "romantic spark" aspect of flirting that distinguishes it from standard "good listening."

One attendee shared some interesting ideas on the importance of "validating what the other person wants to be." This means looking for specific ways in which how someone thinks of themself as unique and valuable is consistent with their actual behavior and history.

Body language was brought up several times. Aligning your body towards the person you are interacting with, leaning slightly forwards (which usually happens naturally when someone is interested in what another has to say), using open posture, etc. were all mentioned. When people who like each other are listening especially intently to each other "mirroring" tends to naturally occur; body language, gestures, and breathing tend to synchronize between the two people. It is difficult to do these things consciously without them seeming forced; the discussion along these lines was therefore mainly descriptive.

Eye contact was also mentioned several times. Looking into someone's eyes just a little longer than would ordinarily be considered customary or comfortable seems to be a common element of the flirting process.

Asking questions that are "almost too personal" was also brought up. The idea is that humans progress to greater levels of intimacy by sharing vulnerabilities, and that if someone is interested in you they are unlikely to turn down the chance to make the conversation more personal (unless you REALLY push the envelope, obviously...)

The importance of giving sincere complements was mentioned more than once. Going along with the idea of flirting being a learnable skill, it was mentioned that a good way to practice flirting is to do it a little bit every day, perhaps with friends or perhaps with postal workers :)

Social networks usually expand by cultivating friendships which are serious enough for your new friends to introduce you to their friends. For this reason, activities that allow prolonged contact with other people are valuable. Political action groups or volunteer groups or special interest/hobby groups are especially worthwhile because you get a chance to meet folks in a more prolonged and sincere context, because you already have a shared interest, and because if nothing good flirting-wise comes out of it at least you either learned more about your hobby or did some good for your community.